Pregnancy Fucking Sucks

So help me God, if any of you show this post to my wife, I will come to your house and burn everything you love. Do not test me...

Remember when this idea was a novelty, not my life? Me either.

Pregnancy is awful. For everyone. It's uncomfortable, exhausting, and just downright gross. And that's just my side of the story.

I know what you're thinking: "You poor baby, life is so hard. Imagine what your wife is going through." You want to rant and rave about how terrible it is to carry a beach ball around on your midriff all day everyday. And, believe me, I know. I do live with a woman who is 9 months pregnant and has been over it since about 2 weeks before conception.

There in lies the problem. Or, should I say, the source of all the sucking. Since I am a dutiful and loving husband, I have made a very concentrated effort to pick up the slack around the house. But as the pregnancy slides into it's last legs, that line of slack seems to be getting longer and longer. Suddenly I'm responsible for EVERYTHING around the house. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the housework. I chase Eli everywhere, all day, everyday.

He looks like a superhero, but he's actually just trying to catch the bus.

Have you ever tried to simultaneously prepare a delicious meatloaf with roasted vegetables, take out the trash, and keep your son from throwing all the toilet paper down the drain? It's nearly impossible. Don't worry though, tomorrow your neighbors are going to do you a huge favor and babysit Eli for the night so you and your (beautiful, hardworking) super-pregnant wife can go have a relaxing dinner somewhere special.  But what's that? Your wife is too exhausted from working all day that she can't even decide what kind of food she wants to eat? You go back and forth about it so many times, inevitably snapping at each other (for no good reason), that the only solution capable of being agreed upon is to buy a frozen pizza from Safeway and watch yet another goddamn six-episode session of CSI: Miami!

Wow, that sure was relaxing. Can't wait to get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

In this modern world, there surely must be some way to circumvent all of this. Can't we just grow our babies in test tubes like CIVILIZED people? What ever happened to the stork myth? Is there any validity to that? Anyone?

If only...

And I can't exactly say that I'm excited about the birth. Eli was an emergency C-section (that's a long story all its own) so we kinda skipped all the gross stuff. The prospect of watching the (amazing, strong) woman I love more than anything get ripped in half, spewing every imaginable fluid out of places you never even knew existed... Golly jeez, I just can't wait. I think a placenta might be the grossest thing in the entire history of everything. And I've only seen one on that video the hospital made us watch.

Mother Nature is an asshole.

Inevitably though, as hard as these 10 months may be (yeah, pregnancy is 10, not 9) you can't argue with the payout. Once I get that baby girl in my arms, I may not ever let her go. I am gonna love her so hard.

All day.

Everyday.

Yeah, kinda like that.

Notes: I love you sweetheart. You're the better half of this marriage and I couldn't be or do anything without you. I just needed to blow off some steam. You know how it is.