How to Discuss Gender With Your Toddler, or What the Hell am I Supposed to Do Now?

Hell if I know.

Me: Are you a big boy?

Eli: NOOOOO!

Me: Of course you are

Eli: Not big boy. I Eli!

Lately, Eli's been making a lot of the comments and asking all the questions that paint a very clear picture: He's discovering the ever mysterious landscape of sex and gender. Ever curious about his own penis, and nearly as curious about mom and dad's bits-n-pieces, it feels like I'm as new to this whole thing as he is. What do you do? What do you say? I don't want to give the poor kid a complex.

Preach it, sister.

You see, I grew up Quaker (most of you probably knew that already). And here's the thing about Quakers: They're weird as shit. Don't get me wrong, that's what makes us awesome, but it's still weird as shit. Here and now is not the time to explain what a Quaker is, so if you don't know: Find out. If you want to. But all you really need to know right now is that Quakers (or at least my version, don't ask) are super liberal. And I mean Super Liberal.

I often hear people talk about growing up in an ultra-conservative family, and now, as they walk through the world, there's a little voice in the back of their head spouting all the dogma of their early years, forcing them to look at everything through a filter of (quite often) a philosophy they no longer believe or even respect. 

The same thing happens to me. Except, for me, I see the world through a rainbow-colored screen that makes everything Diverse (we love that word) sparkle a little brighter and everything that causes Conflict (but we hate that one) is politely swept under the rug. When my son pulls his penis out in public, I think: "Well, it's important for him to feel comfortable with his body," and THEN run over to tuck him back into the diaper. All toy guns and Barbies look like the devil spawn, attempting to morph my children into their little brain-washed corporate slaves. And when my son asks me things like: "Where's mommy's penis?" I totally freeze up.

Umm... What?

What I want to say is: "Boys have penises and girls have vaginas." But, then, isn't gender a social construct? And sex and gender aren't the same thing, right? That's what this article I just looked up says anyway. Questions like this get all tangled up in my brain and what I end up wanting to say is: "Mommy doesn't have a penis. She has a vagina. But the jury's still out on why."

You know what this reminds me of? The ever classic question: "Why is the sky blue?" Well, umm... Because light is both a particle and a wave. When it comes into our atmosphere, it is constantly colliding with molecules like oxygen and nitrogen, bouncing all over the place. And since light is a vast spectrum, with only a tiny slice fitting into our visual range, lots of that light doesn't make it through the clouds of molecules. Ultimately, the light that we see now appears a certain color due to the amount of atmosphere it had to pass through in order get to your eye. Blue represents a shorter distance and red the longest, which is why the sky turns red and orange in the evening.

Yeah. Try explaining that to a toddler.

Oh, NOW I get it!

And so goes the gender/sexuality issue. These questions and answers are just too big for the little guy. But, again, I don't want to give the poor kid a complex. I don't want to accidentally give him the wrong information, ultimately screwing up his personal identity forever. I want him to be happy. To grow up into whatever and whoever he wants to be. If he and his college boyfriend want to spray paint each other hot pink and hang out at manga conventions, then so be it. Just so long as the paint doesn't rub off on the sofa. That would just kill his mother. As far as I'm concerned, there are only three things he is not allowed to be: A murder, a rapist, and a junkie. Beyond that, as long as he's happy and not hurting anybody: Go. Do as you please.

I hear and read about things like "Gender Neutral Parenting" and I just shake my head in confusion. So much of this stuff just feels like everyday life to me. Eli's clothes aren't covered in sports kitsch, because neither my wife nor I likes sports. And Grayson won't wear tons of pink, because pink is ugly. That's pretty straight forward. I've seen little boys garbed in pink and purple, and it feels like their parents are intentionally trying to gender bend their kid. And, at least to me, that seems like the kind of thing that'd give your kid a complex.

Heh heh.

But who am I to tell other parents what to do with their kids? Nobody, that's who. There are 3 people in this world that are allowed to criticize my parenting skills: Jessica, Eli, and baby Grayson. That's it. Grandparents are permitted to question and suggest, but I am under no obligation to listen.

We ended up telling him that mommy had a vagina. And that boys have penises. And so on. Because, the truth is, you gotta pick your battles. And this one, the mythical pure gender identity, is not mine. There is no perfect parenting. There's no Grand Philosophy or Flawless Method that will deliver your little dude (boy-dude or girl-dude) through childhood unscathed. They're gonna come out the other side kinda fucked up. And probably because of something you did. Might as well get used to that idea now.

Notes: For the record, if Eli decided he was gay or trans, I wouldn't care. But if he decided he likes manga, I'd be devastated. And on the spectrum of "Super Liberal" my parents were fairly middle ground. They did a pretty good job with what they had, too. I also do still consider myself a Quaker, so don't kick me out guys. I'm sorry I called you weird!