Judge Not, Lest Ye Have Children

Look, I know that I'm not supposed to say bad things about other people. My parents are solid, moral people that raised me with clear sense of right and wrong. My Quaker upbringing was built on a foundation of compassion and respect for all people, regardless of where you come from or what you believe. And I truly, honestly believe that the world requires ALL KINDS of people to make it go round. But DAMMIT if I don't get a sick, undeniable pleasure from making fun of stupid people. And, given my current career status, most of the people I meet are parents.

Next stop, Tantrum Town!

We've all seen it, at a grocery store or a playground somewhere: An exhausted mom or dad trailing an insufferable child, that defeated look in their eyes. The other day me and Baby G were at our local playground (her favorite thing to do is steal random women's cell phones and iced latté straws), and all of a sudden some 5 year old boy comes screaming and crying, running maybe 50 feet to his mother's side, and buries his face in her dress. Apparently a dog had barked at him. The dog was a small, white terrier with a friendly face. I don't know about you, but I see things like this and... I know I shouldn't, but I can't help and roll my eyes a little and think, “Loser.” I realize this makes me sound like a total asshole. Which is fair. But I don't say these things out loud... I mean, until now. But try watching some little shit push your son off a swing, or insist on alerting the staff at the playplace that your son isn't wearing his socks, and not call him an asshole in your head. I dare you. And most of the time it isn't the parents' fault. Upbringing is only one piece of the puzzle. Spend enough time around children, you start to realize they're people too. And, just like grownup people, most of them are pretty stupid.

Being a helicopter mom sounds super exhausting.

Make no mistake though, I enjoy mocking parents too. I think it's the guilty pleasure of all parents, perpetually comparing yourself to everyone around you, and evaluating your parenting skills according to their weak moments. It's human nature, and very empowering. Earlier this week, while dropping Eli off at summer camp (which is basically just preschool during the summer), I watched a mother explain to her daughter, neither of whom I'd met before, “I'll be right outside the classroom, sweetheart. I can't play with you in here, but if it doesn't work out, I'll come and get you.” I did my little eye-roll thing, signed Eli in for the day, and left. About 30 minutes later, while me and Baby G are hanging on the playground outside, guess who I see hauling a crying daughter out to the car? Because, obviously, you can't do that. You can't offer a 3 year old with attachment issues such a blatant opportunity to find a way out of a classroom she doesn't want to be in. If she knows you're sitting on the other side of the door, she's going to devote 100% of her attention to getting your attention, 100% of the time. This is probably why the girl has attachment issues (he said boldly). This is Parenting 101, people.

Okay, I know I'm being condescending and judgmental. I know that parenting isn't something you do right or wrong, it's just life. We all suck at it, just in different ways. Kids aren't their parents and vice versa. Every tantrum or poor decision probably has a story and a context that made a lot of sense to the people involved. In my heart I know we're all just people, different though we might be, doing our best to get by. Making the world go round, and so on. Which is why I keep my mouth shut (except when I don't, and on this blog). But, let's stop and think here, is there ever a circumstance when you're perfectly entitled to say: “You're wrong, you're stupid, and a you're shitty parent”?

Yes.

This popped up when I Googled "anti-vaccine" and I can't even...

A few weeks ago, Jess and I spent about 48 hours convinced that someone close to us was not vaccinating their children. It was a misunderstanding, and the story itself isn't really worth telling. (And, no, I didn't tell anyone they were a shitty parent.) But it spawned a lot of conversation between the two of us about what we would have to do if it were true. And the answer was, cut them out of our lives. Plain and simple. If your kids aren't vaccinated, then they're not hanging out with my kids. Family, friends, doesn't matter. Why? Because it's fucking stupid. There's about 600 years of science behind vaccines. People have dedicated their entire careers to it, people who went to college for a lot longer than most of us. If you don't understand the science, it's because you're not a scientist. I'm not even going to bother justifying this with metaphors or facts, because, honestly... Why bother? Fuck those people. And if you're one of them, fuck you too. You're the worst kind of stupid person, because your stupidity is literally killing children. As a not stupid person, it's my duty to let you know that you're a danger to society. (If you're genuinely seeking more information on this subject, I highly recommend checking out this website: http://howdovaccinescauseautism.com/)

Screw you, Walt Whitman.

Cynicism, I'm sure most of us are aware, is not something you can turn off. It's a voice in the back of your brain that is constantly reminding you that everything and everyone around you is full of shit. And, most of the time, it's right. Nothing changes after you have kids, you just get to see a different side of the world. (Often, there's actual diapers full of actual shit.) And, while keeping it to yourself is usually the best policy, I like to believe that seeing the worst in everything helps keep me sane. I mean, what else am I supposed to do, be positive and productive? Yuck, no thanks.